And Another Thing⦠by Jeremy Clarkson
Author:Jeremy Clarkson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: For the Benefit of Mr. Kite
Published: 2006-01-01T00:00:00+00:00
Sunday 19 December 2004
45
The ghost of wifeâs present
Obviously I know you should never buy your wife anything that needs a plug, but this has always presented a problem. Because Iâve always had some understanding of stuff that needed electricity to function, and had no clue about stuff that didnât.
Scent, for example. Have you actually been into the perfume department of a shop recently? Not only do you have the traditional choice of about 10,000 from the well-known names such as Chanel and erâ¦Charlie, all of which, to a smoker at least, are exactly the same, but now you have celebrity-endorsed products as well.
Does your wife want to smell like Beyonce or Celine Dion?
Or would she like to spend the year strutting around with a whiff of Cliff Richard behind her ears?
Horrified that you might trip over the great smell of Kilroy â or Cuprinol, as itâs known in hardware stores â you make a beeline for the clothes department; but this is an even bigger mistake, because youâll Buy the Wrong Thing. And, to make matters worse, you will Buy the Wrong Thing in the Wrong Size.
So, jewellery then. Well, no, because for reasons Iâve never fully understood jewellery shops never advertise their prices. Which means you need a basic grasp of the Stanislavski technique as you try to pretend the reason you donât want the necklace is because of the clasp, not because it costs £16,000.
Personalised luggage or stationery is fine, but this needs to be ordered in March.
And itâs much the same story with furniture. Plus, itâs hard to carry a tallboy home on the train.
Of course, the shop can deliver, but this involves filling out a form, and then another. And then some more. And then the information has to be typed on to a computer, and by the time thatâs been done the daffodils are out. Why canât they just write your address down on a scrap of paper and give it to the van driver?
At round about this point the modern gentleman will start to think about getting some candles. We all know that girls like to spend hours having baths in the semi-darkness, and we cannot imagine what they might be doing in there. Well, we can, actually, which is why I always say no to candles.
Iâm afraid Iâm similarly selfish when it comes to music. My wife is forever buying CDs by bands Iâve never heard of and I know she wants the new Killers album, but if I were to buy it for her, sheâd play it, and then Iâd have to listen to it as well.
Books? Oh, come on. It seems a bit mean to spend only £7.99, especially as the sort of books my wife likes donât even come with a plot.
This is why I didnât even bother window-shopping for my wife this year. I just headed straight for the electrical department in Selfridges, where I knew I would feel safe and warm and comfortable.
Unfortunately, I must have blinked and
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